Image by Alexa Loy // Our Spring Family Portrait Shoot in the Woods & at Home

Today this really comes from the heart.

It's coming up to the day that should be our 5th year wedding anniversary. Long term readers may recall that our wedding was cancelled 6 weeks before the day itself. It was a hard time, really hard. But we came through the other side and I have beaten the dark days of panic and anxiety.

There are still things I find hard or haven't quite got past yet. But I am pretty much living a life I thought would be impossible 5 years ago.

As that date approaches it seems to be affecting me more than in previous years. I think back then I thought "oh well in 5 years time we can try again". But the reality is I am not sure I can find or muster the strength still to plan the wedding.

Don't get me wrong I want nothing more than to be married to G, to plan a big family party and become a Mrs. I am not nervous of commitment, it's purely an anxiety issue. I am petrified of not coping and cancelling a wedding again. I am scared of going backwards to those horrid times where I was so poorly. I'd feel so much pressure. I am afraid of being 'centre of attention' and being ill on the day. I know that it is about all 4 of us and our guests, but that's just how it feels to me. Realistically am I going to feel better in another 5 years? I am not so sure. This is something I think I am going to have to brave and over come if I want to be Mrs H. During and after the ceremony I know I will be fine and that I will be over the moon, deliriously happy.

It's been easy to brush it under the carpet, even when asked often if we are going to get wed. Should we elope? I think I'd still feel nervous and anxious. I am lucky that I know G will always be there to hold my hand, no matter if we are married or not.

My heart says one thing, my head another.

I wanted to reach out today to anyone that has anxiety too and is afraid of panic attacks in the lead up to the wedding and on the day itself. Perhaps you have anxiety and tied the knot... do you have any words of advice or a story to share? Thank you for listening xo Lou