'I Met My Soulmate Online But I Find Her Unattractive In Person'
'I Met My Soulmate Online But I Find Her Unattractive In Person'
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Reader Online Love writes,
In these days of Internet dating, I followed the trend and "met" a girl virtually. We exchanged quite a bit, talked, then had long skype video sessions, and we both developed a very strong connection.
This week, after months of growing affection, we physically met for the first time (geographically, we are quite distant). Naturally, as we both expected, there was a brief setback when the person we thought we knew was, all of a sudden, a "different" physical body. We let that slowly dissipate, and eventually got back to the level of comfort and intimacy that we had reached when away from one another. It started to feel like genuine love, deep and intense.
After a short time, we got to physical intimacy, and that's where I have a problem. Her physical body is not turning me on. This may sound nasty, but she's somewhat out of shape and has the body of someone much older than she is (than we are, in fact). I still feel incredibly attracted to her for everything else she is (her spirit, her mind, her emotions, everything!), but her body is a pretty serious turn off. When we're cuddling, I can get properly aroused using just our affection (love?) as stimulus, but I worry about the long term implications of us going further... how is this absence of physical turn-on going to affect me with time? I will never tell her, and in fact keep telling her that she is beautiful (every woman is beautiful), and this will remain my personal issue, not something that I will discuss with her. She is beautiful, just not in a way that arouses me (quite the opposite).
So what am I asking? How likely is it, with time and by constantly making love to her and telling her how beautiful she is, that I will develop some form of attraction to her physicality, or at least avoid the turn-off factor? I really want to commit to her, but fear that this could become short-lived (or that I would sentence myself to a life lacking in desire for my partner).
;)
I commend your desire to commit to a woman based on your level of emotional and mental attraction. However, we are not brains in jars. The fact that you find your potential partner to be really unappealing is not likely to resolve itself. Men are visual creatures, and a lot of their attraction to women is instant and unchanging. Women are a lot more likely to find a man increasingly attractive over time than men are. But you know what, nobody really ever recovers from thinking that a partner is as unappealing physically as you seem to find your partner.
Check out some of the stories on my site about what happens when people aren't attracted to their spouse anymore. It is not pretty, no pun intended. You have a wonderful opportunity right now to save you and this woman this later pain by breaking up right now. It may be painful, but it is exponentially less painful than condemning you to a life of regret and condemning to her to a life of knowing in her heart that her husband doesn't find her sexy. You may be a good liar, but women can sense when a man is really into them, and even if you are amazing at hiding your feelings now, you certainly won't be able to keep this up over time, once the honeymoon stage is over and your hormones aren't racing for her anymore. Then, you will likely slide into a sexless marriage, which is terrible and lonely for both partners.
Also, don't date her and then try to get her to work out and change her body. This will be very hard for both of you, and even if she does it, the motivation didn't come from her so it's unlikely she would keep it up over time. And also, bodies get worse over time, not better. If you can't mentally return to that first spark of attraction throughout your life, you will have a harder road than the average couple, whose memories of their passionate initial attraction can carry them through ebbs and flows of later years.
Good luck, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Try To Meet Online Dates Within A Couple Weeks Maximum Of The Initial Contact, To Avoid This Problem.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.
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