In the same day, I received two reader questions about the same topic: husbands who don't like their wives being too sexually adventurous or forward. Here is the first:

My fiancé is perfect! He holds doors open, holds my hand, kisses my forehead, and he truly listens to me. He rubs my aches and pains away, helps me with arbitrary and tedious household tasks. He LOVES me. I can see it and I can feel it. We have a great sex life.

I was previously married to a man for 17 years who did NONE of these things, and we had many marital issues. Infidelity was the top. That infidelity made me hate myself, and I succumbed to extremely low self esteem. I gained a massive amount of weight and at my highest I was 326 lbs. My husband passed away and I began to to take better care of myself, and I have lost over 100 lbs. I still have some ways to go, but unfortunately I would venture to guess I am even more self conscious about my weight than before.

My fiancé and I live together with my 3 daughters. So spontaneity is a task in itself. But we try. On a few occasions now I have sent a risqué picture of myself to my fiancé hoping to elicit some feedback. It goes like:

Me: Hey thinking of you XoXo (Insert scantily clad photo here)

I want him to say, "Wow! that's hot! I'll be thinking of you all day now. Can't wait to get home." But instead he says, "Why are all your pictures coming in backwards?" or "That doesn't look like you."

I communicated with him that I want to be desired. That I need to feel that I am sexy. He will often say something like, you know I'm in love with you. That hurts almost more, and maybe because I read into it by thinking, "Oh I don't need to be sexually appealing or hot because you love me."

Now, he was also has an extensive porn collection, and I undeniably have an aversion to porn but ONLY because it makes me feel bad about myself. I can't compete with those women in the hot body factor. I did just last week take a giant leap and watched a movie with him and although, it was arousing, in the sense that I could see it was good for him, it still made me feel inadequate...

What am I doing or could be doing differently?

Now here is the second:

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, dated for 7 years before that. We are most happily married, no children (note: you didn't have to tell me that one, because I can count on my third head how many women with small kids are going to write in the question that you ask in a second), early 30's. My dilemma is that I am pretty sure I'm much more sexually adventurous than he is. I would love to have a threesome, or even watch him have sex with another woman. I have tried to ask for anal, but he was too scared of hurting me to get very far, despite my assurances that I was enjoying myself. We have discussed threesomes, but he says he doesn't want to act on it.

I do want to respect his very chivalrous and tame approach to sex but I also crave some uncontrolled kinky sex from time to time. How do I tell him it's a big deal to me? Or should I just drop it?

Well ladies, despite the fact that reader #1 is a bit more tame than reader #2, there is the same sort of dynamic going on. Let me explain some possibilities for why your husbands aren't chomping at the bit to respond to your sexual advances.

1. They are naturally more reserved, and you were subconsciously drawn to that at the start (even though at the start was likely their least inhibited time... but they were still inhibited). Your imago is kind of restrained and inhibited, so that means a caregiver was, and your fantasy as a child was always to get this caregiver to loosen up (not sexually, but in other ways. Like not being so rigid or controlling or boring). Now you found someone straight laced and your subconscious is obsessed with getting them to open up so that you can finally get someone you love to open their mind out of love for you, thus healing the wounds of your childhood. (That is two years of intensive individual therapy in one paragraph, so reread it a couple times.)

2. Your husbands feel intimidated by your aggressive sexuality, and scared that they aren't going to be enough for you. They view the things you ask for now, whether sexy text responses, or threesome with women, as a sort of gateway drug that will make you want more and more and more sex, specifically, sex with other men.

3. They have lower sex drives than you two. They met you and loved your spark, sexiness, and joie de vivre, but now it's turning into more than they bargained for.

4. As for the porn issue, this speaks to the madonna/whore complex that some men have. This means that when they love a woman, they won't be sexual with her. They only do that dirty stuff with dirty women. Picture Tony Soprano and his sex with Carmela versus with those other women he slept with. So your fiance, reader 1, has a dichotomy in his mind between good girls and bad girls. You're the good girl that he's going to marry. He probably also viewed you as a damsel in distress, since you had such a crappy first marriage, and he liked and continues to like being your knight in shining armor. He does NOT like treating his princess like a slut.

5. Ditto for you, reader #2. Your husband loves you and he thinks you're hot, but he also thinks of you as this insatiable sex succubus and that doesn't sit well with him. It makes him feel insecure and like something would be tainted in your marriage if you were to open it up to these sorts of adventures. He also may feel like, "What am I supposed to do during a threesome? What if the other woman finds me gross? What if I can't get it up? Why can't we just have normal sex and sometimes use a blindfold or something, for God's sake?"

6. You should both read, and have your partners read, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence and Marriage Confidential: Love in the Post-Romantic Age. Both of these discuss how the eroticism in monogamous relationships tends to wither and die without alternative ways to put excitement back in the marriage. I myself talk about this all the time, with my monotogamy idea. Anyway, reader #2, monotogamy applies more to you, since you're in an older relationship. Females get bored in monogamy, evolutionarily, so you want to spice it up. Here's how to bring this up to your husband, in a new way:

You: Hey, I really would find it hot to have a threesome. I am really curious about why you're so averse to it. Is there something about the idea that concerns you?

Him: I don't need that stuff. What's wrong with our sex life?

You: Nothing. I love our sex life. Honestly, though, if you read these two books, and Dr. Psych Mom's website, it is totally normal for women to want to mate with different guys around ovulation. It is biological. I am in love with you, and I always will be, but I think it would enhance our relationship to be more sexually open. I don't even want other guys, anyway. Maybe just a threesome with a woman.

Him: Look, I don't want that.

You: Okay, let's think about some things you might find exciting and maybe we can come to a compromise. I promise I would always love you, but honestly, I really like the idea of more exciting sex and I want to experience it with you.

See what he says. Maybe you can start watching more porn or reading erotica and go from there. But I would try and see what his real insecurities are about the threesome etc. If you know what he's anxious about, you can address it directly. (Incidentally, if it's hard to bring these topics up in person, you can try email, like my upcoming book suggests.)

7. Reader #1, I think you just feel insecure and want him to really want you, like a caveman. Sadly, the guy who kisses you on the forehead and does all the chores isn't usually a caveman. His mom probably taught him how to treat good girls and he will have a hard time getting out of this mindset. Maybe you can tell him explicitly, "When I send you naked pictures, I am always hoping you'll say, 'Wow! I can't wait to come home tonight!' When you say something else, it makes me feel really bad, like I'm not sexy enough for you. It also makes me feel like you prefer porn actresses to me. I love you and how loving you are to me, and I want to be your loving fiancee, but I would also like to be your sexy girlfriend. Can we think of some scenario where you can treat me that way too?"

Well, the moral of this story is, don't assume that guys always have the higher sex drive. As we've seen here before, this is a faulty assumption. But there is usually more going on than just disparate sex drives, including anxiety, insecurities, different worldviews about sex, gender, and marriage, and all sorts of childhood issues too. Keep me updated, you sexy vixens.

Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Loves When The Stars Align and I Can Answer Two Questions At Once.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice, including therapy, coaching, and consultation, here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.