Introducing..... Your Wedding Bill

I’m going to change how I charge clients to photograph weddings. After a somewhat recent visit to the hospital for what was a routine procedure, I became re-acquainted with how hospitals bill their patients, and think I would like to apply their pricing/billing model for my wedding photography business. Wedding photography: $100 Now there are some other line-item costs, not included: $1,100 - Equipment usage fee $150 – personal liability and damage waiver $120 - Out-of-county unfamiliarity assessment fee $268 – personal vehicle usage, wear & tear $177 – “bride not done in time” schedule impact fee $81 - Non premium parking spot fee $108 – Telling your Aunt Betty to stop taking photos next to me while doing formal portraits fee $450 - Penalty for your Aunt Betty telling me I should pose people differently in the formal shots $74 – “change of itinerary” confusion penalty $25 – reimbursement from sub-par wedding food $82 - ARIP expense for PSOC (random acronyms for non-nonsensical costs with no explanation) $510 - Videographer confrontation fee $47 – squinting in sunlight sur-charge (don’t get married facing the sun) $112 – Photoshop request fee on double-chin and fly-away hair photos. $150 – non-discretionary funds (may be used for candy bars, souvenirs, tipping the bartender) $210 - daily per diem rate, based on GSA location $340 – Potential skin damage surcharge $305 - Telling wedding guest with pro DSLR not to post photos of this wedding on his FB fan page as a wedding they were hired for $685 – “answering questions from wedding guests about the equipment I use” penalty/fee $440 – wear & tear on footware, dress shirt and extra hair products $105 - taking photo with guest's point-and-shoot camera for that guest $205 – Playing “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang (annoying wedding song) penalty. $75 – Not having an "open bar" fee $200 – grievance pay for my wife, since I will be at your party, and she will be home sad. $215 – Chiropractor fee for realignment of back after carrying camera equipment $100 – blank DVDs, padded envelopes, postage/shipping/handling for mailing your wedding DVD $18 – use of personal electricity for processing wedding photos $945 - 20% gratuity on wedding parties of 12 or more people $200 - Co-pay $727 sales tax Total: $13,646.47 (not added up correctly, just like medical bills) By the way, I will bill you twice for everything, just to see if you catch it. Am I missing any fees?