Wedding Tips From a Never-Married Fellow

Wedding Tips From a Never-Married Fellow

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Yes, full disclosure: I've never been married. Or engaged for that matter. So why take wedding advice from somebody like me? The answer is simple: I've been to weddings. Loads of them. The first was in Toronto circa 1981. The most recent: a year ago in Texas. And although each opportunity let me celebrate the blissful union of people I care about (or at the very least tolerate), I also took away something far more valuable: I figured out how to stage a proper wedding. Primarily by learning from these folks' mistakes. Here's a brief list of what not to do.

Avoid outdoor weddings. My mom got remarried last summer, outdoors on her back patio. It was brilliant. A beautiful event that couldn't have gone more smoothly. And the moment everyone left, the torrential rain came a pourin'. Bullet dodged. My mom got lucky. You won't.

Don't schedule your bachelor / bachelorette party the night before the wedding. No good can come of this. And being hung over at the altar is a fate worse than death.

Skip the "If anyone has any reason why these two should not be wedded" spiel. It's awkward and nerve-wracking. Plus, you never know if a jilted ex is crashing the ceremony.

Don't invite anyone who's going to cry. The bride and groom (and select family members) are allowed to get weepy on the big day. Nobody else. Which means there should be a strict embargo on screaming children and melodramatic adults. Make no exceptions and this will indeed be the happiest day of your life.

Demand full playlist control. Say what? The DJ you hired got glowing reviews on Yelp? I couldn't care less. Because chances are he's going to play some of the most annoying wedding music ever recorded. The Chicken Dance. Hey Macarena. Achy Breaky Heart. YMCA. The list is as painful as it is endless. Put a stop to this madness right out of the gate.

Don't do the garter ritual. You know, where the groom removes the bride's garter -- sometimes with his teeth -- as a bunch of single fellows look on sheepishly. It's outdated and tacky, and never as sexy as you think it is.

No theme weddings. "Hey, we're gonna dress up like his-and-hers Darth Vaders. Cool, right?" No. No it's not. It's really terrible. Avoid the novelty. Your more sensible, older self will thank you. Profusely.

Make your destination weddings plausible. With enough notice, your friends and family will be thrilled to join you in Paris for your nuptials. The Australian Outback is another matter, however. Or war-torn Syria. Or the South Pole. Think before you book: we ain't made of money, jerks.

And one final tip: try and marry the right person. Sounds like a no-brainer, but I've seen plenty of marriages last less than a year because the bride and groom never got the chance to suss out each other's quirks. If we're flying to Antarctica to watch you exchange hung-over vows while decked out as Sith Lords, we expect things to go the distance.

Is it any wonder I've yet to tie the knot? Geez, man.

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