I'm taking a timeout from wedding planning on September 12th. That day, myself and a huge group of my family members (siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews) will be partaking in the Boston Heart Walk organized by the American Heart Association. Last year I participated, but my team was much smaller: it was just me and one of my nieces and we had just started to fund raise for it about a week ahead of time. This year, I set up our team in January and people have been jumping on board ever since. We're slowly but surely raising some funds for the cause all in memory of my late brother Frank, who passed away in December 2013 from a sudden, silent heart attack. In the time since he passed on, it's been really important to me to be proactive and do things to help alleviate some of my grief in his passing. At his wake, I helped arrange to get free Rosary beads to be given out to people since Frank was a huge proponent of the Rosary (for non-Catholics, this is a specific set of prayers to Holy Mary, Jesus' mother). I spent months listing off the things I was grateful for about him, his life, and even his loss ... which I later realized came from a post I had seen on the Broke-ass Bride Facebook page a few months before he died. Matt and I built a Little Free Library that our family placed in his honor at that Yogi Bear Campground where we got engaged. The one thing I couldn't really be proactive about at the time was wedding planning.

Dealing with grief alone is difficult, but planning a wedding throws a lot of other wrenches into the mix. I'm a deeply spiritual person, so I do think he'll be there with us in a different way, but that doesn't make the lack of his physical presence any easier for me or the rest of the family. I'm still going to miss out on dancing with him or hearing any words of wisdom or jokes he might have had to share. Part of me is still a little angry at myself that I couldn't get this show on the road sooner so that both he and Matt's grandmother who died about six months before him would be able to be there in the pictures and our memories. If there's one thing I've learned through this process it's that grief is complex and different for everyone. Each person's experience with it is unique, and even different each time they experience it. As tough as it is to navigate my own grief, it's impossible to navigate that of others. And that's OK. I can't fix anyone. I can't predict what will upset someone and what won't (although the ill-conceived cardboard cutout I ever so briefly considered for pictures is probably a no-go ... ), and while it's important to take the feelings of others into account, I need to find something that works for me as well. Ultimately I need to come up with something subtle but meaningful to me so that it's there, but also doesn't overshadow the event or cause someone to be overcome by their grief. No matter what I do or don't do, some people might find themselves overcome by that anyway, and that's alright. It's outside of my control and their control as well.

Tissues will be on hand and while I may not be able to hug everyone that's hurting, I know others will pick up that torch for me if need be. It's important to acknowledge him, but not seek to replace his presence (... like a cardboard cut-out would). It's also important to realize that although it is a happy day, that doesn't mean the grief might not sneak into it as well. It's important to be accepting of that for everyone, and supportive of all manner of feelings that might come up throughout the day.

Taking almost a year off from wedding planning wasn't purposeful, but looking back on it I realize how important it was to me because it allowed me and others to heal a bit. There's still pain there, but things aren't quite so raw. It's almost poetic that the very first item I bought when we started to plan again was in memory of him. It was a beautiful candle I found on a Facebook yard sale. A woman had made it for her daughter's wedding as part of the display to honor their loved ones that had passed away. It was just a regular candle with the wick scooped out and replaced with a battery operated tea light. She then printed a nice saying on some vellum and pinned it around the candle. There's a beautiful brooch in the middle. I'm going to set it up with some pictures at the wedding. After I bought it from this woman, I found instructions to make my own, but I'm glad I did get it from here all the same.

True story, we were just out on a Sunday ride in our car when I came across this scrolling through Facebook (as the passenger) A few short moments later and it was ours, along with a photo tree that the woman threw in saying they had to use it because they had lost a lot of people.

The whole event felt really serendipitous and special, especially when I learned later that this wedding had taken place at my venue, and the woman I bought it from and I share my much loved maiden name. A lot of people will think I'm crazy for this, but moments like that, when things came together just right during the planning process out of nowhere, I couldn't help but feel like he was there helping me through it.

The candle is probably the only thing I'll be doing to remember him at the wedding that will actually cost money (although I have been toying with the idea of a bouquet charm, too, if I can find them at the right price). In addition that I'll be saying a special prayer for those who have passed on, either at the reception or during the course of the ceremony. The tie he was buried in was one I had bought for him, my dad and my other two brothers. In solidarity, all the other guys in the family bought and wore them to the wake and funeral. They've carried this on since, wearing them to every family event that requires a tie. My dad considers it our way of carrying him with us. I do too, so I hope the guys in the family will be wearing them, aside from the groomsmen (who I hope will still have it with them all the same). I've specifically asked that Matt bring his with him. More than anything, I hope everybody brings my brother's loving and fun spirit with them. Frank loved being together with his family. He was quick-witted, fun to be around, and always had a good story to tell. If even just a few people are like him at the wedding, I know it will be a great time.

Frank's death also affected the wedding planning in other ways. Originally, we weren't going to have a videographer or a photographer, but instead rely upon pictures taken by friends and family. As an article from Kiss My Tulle that BAB's Facebook recently shared mentions, pictures become so much more important when you've lost somebody.

In the immediate aftermath of Frank's death, we scoured our house for pictures of him. To this day, when I come across a picture of him that we hadn't seen for a while or didn't know existed it's like winning the lottery. Seeing his face means so much to me. I had also taken a short video of him on my phone the Thanksgiving before he died, which was really uncharacteristic of me. Even more uncharacteristic of me was that I hadn't deleted it to make room for other things on my phone. Now, whenever I'm feeling down or missing him, I toss on some headphones and watch the video. It's the only thing I have that has his voice and shows his mannerisms, like the way he takes a cup of coffee he's handed by my sister. It occurred to me that someday I'm going to look for these kinds of mementos from my other relatives that (hopefully not any time soon) will pass on and I want to have that. I don't just want any old pictures and videos either. I want snapshots of them enjoying themselves and being with Matt and I on this special occasion. This is also of why we chose the big wedding and had such trouble paring down the guest list. People suggested eloping, but one of my sisters reminded me of what it meant to her to have video and pictures of our grandparents at her wedding to look back on. This is a moment that I want to spend with the people I love most ... there just happens to be a lot of them.

Ultimately, the things I will be doing for Frank at the wedding are placeholders for a void that can't really be filled and that's OK. Grief exists because each person on this Earth possesses some special quality that nobody and nothing else can replace. Even more so than each person, there are relationships we build with people and no two are the same, even amongst families that grew up together.There's something kind of beautiful about that. I'm sure there will be tearful moments for all of us that day, myself included. That's why we invented waterproof mascara and tissues. It won't be easy for any of us, but I hope the happy moments will overtake the sad. Acknowledging his absence is important. And no matter what happens, I know I'll carry him everywhere with me in my heart that day.

For those of you mourning an absence on your wedding day, how are you honoring that person? Share in the comments below!