My best friend got married recently, which was exciting and amazing. I was in her bridal party, which was also exciting and amazing. The only issue was that I'm non-binary - that is, I'm transgender and not a man or a woman.

What to wear was my main problem

When my friend asked me to be a bridesmaid, I was far less "out" as I am now, and promised that I would wear a dress to match the other bridesmaids, and to cause less of an issue with appearance and her family. She had originally told me and our other non-femme friend, that if we really didn't want to wear dresses, she wouldn't make us. I felt okay about it, and it was good to know that the option was there if I couldn't cope.

I know that many other trans, especially non-binary, people find themselves pressured to present in a way that makes them feel awful at weddings, or having to say "I love you both, but I can't do this for you" and step back.

When the bride sent us pictures of the kind of dresses she wanted us to wear, I had mixed feelings. The fact that they were knee-length was great, as I'm sure a floor-length dress would have made me feel far more feminine and princess-like. Most of the dresses were figure-hugging and drew attention to the hips, which is the part of my body I feel most dysphoric about. I didn't want to make it all about what I wanted, but the idea of wearing a clingy dress made me feel physically sick. So I mentioned that I would be happier in a "swishier" skirt... and luckily the other bridesmaids said similar things.

By the time of the wedding, I was presenting very androgynously or masculinely. Wearing a dress was strange, but I felt comfortable in it. It was actually nice to be able to wear a dress and still be correctly gendered, as it was mostly my friends and partner talking to me.

Shoes were also a problem

I never wear heels and would probably break my ankle if I had to. Plus I know I would never wear them again. Me feeling okay in a dress didn't extend to shoes, so I spent most of the time building up to the wedding looking for shoes I would be okay with.

The bride-to-be did try and persuade me to wear pumps, which I feel are too feminine and never fit my feet properly. I decided I could find non-leather brogues in the same colour scheme. My brogues really made me feel good about my appearance on the day of the wedding, and I had a great conversation with the groom about his spectacular brogues.

I looked like a princette

We all painted our nails. When the bride-to-be told us about this plan, I was completely fine with it - I like painting my nails. She told me I could wear minimal make-up, and I told her I don't actually own any make-up. Luckily the bride said it was fine for me to not wear any at all.

She wanted me to wear a hair accessory because I have a short androgynous hairstyle. I chose a metallic alice-band which looked like a flower crown, and felt like I looked like a princette (a gender neutral word to go with prince and princess).

On the day of the wedding

As I sat at the table, looking at my chosen name on the table setting, I felt so thankful to have such accepting friends. Not only did I feel able to make compromises, the bride-to-be was happy to do the same and all my friends were understanding.

I know that many other trans, especially non-binary, people find themselves pressured to present in a way that makes them feel awful at weddings, or having to say "I love you both, but I can't do this for you" and step back.

By the time the next person in our friend group is married, I think I'll be wearing a suit with some femme flair rather than a dress with some masculine flair. I had a great time regardless, and I think I really learned a lesson about presentation and how much small details and accessories make you feel.

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