Societal expectations, and how they manifest themselves, are funny things.

Take societal expectations surrounding relationships and, specifically, weddings and marriages. Particularly as they pertain to women with mental health concerns or disabilities.

I just obtained a marriage license. In the state of Massachusetts, this means that I have sixty days to become a Married Lady™. I'm currently binge watching "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC. One might assume that the reason I'm doing this is because I'm a BRIDE so I am doing BRIDE things because BRIDE.

Not so much.

I'd say that "Say Yes to the Dress" is a "guilty pleasure" of mine (although I use that term colloquially; I really don't believe in feeling guilty about something I like or don't like). It has a little bit to do with the fashion and more to do with pondering sociology and how the times change. It's much the same reason I've been reading the Offbeat Bride blog since... the year after it was founded. I wasn't engaged at the time, but the SUBCULTURES. It was SO INTERESTING. You know what else is interesting? Seeing how society at large has become more okay with things like same-sex weddings and colorful wedding dresses, while at the same time creating a narrative in which weddings are a huge to-do and there are so many TRADITIONS you MUST adhere to (suffice to say, this culture surrounding WIC weddings was only in its infancy when my parents got married; when both sets of my grandparents wed, it was practically non-existent and those "traditions" weren't around either). But, because I'm a woman, it's assumed that I'm wedding-obsessed and that's why I'm watching it. Because I'm engaged and actively planning an elopement, it's assumed that also has a role in my television choices.

For years and years, I was hyper-focused on getting married. Not necessarily the wedding, although I did think about that. Society would tell us that this was exclusively because I am a cisgender woman, and this is apparently a thing women do. XX chromosomes and whatnot. It wasn't until I got engaged after making a conscious choice to seek out relationships with people who wanted the same level of commitment I did that I re-evaluated why I'd always hyper-focused on marriage. The thing is, I'm disabled. I've been in treatment for my mental health since I was nine; they put me on meds when I was twelve, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at fourteen. I did not have a lot to go on when it came to examples of healthy marriages when one partner has a mental health concern. The divorce rate for neurotypical people is at 50%. For people with bipolar disorder or other mental health concerns, it's ninety percent. Statistically, I have almost a fool-proof chance of NOT having a happy marriage, even though it's something I want, because I'm disabled.

I didn't hyper-focus on marriage because I'm a woman. I hyper-focused on marriage because society taught me that my worth as a disabled woman with a mental health concern was dependent on whether or not I could sustain a healthy marriage.

My aunt, who also has bipolar, and was diagnosed when the mental health movement was even more problematic than it is now, simply exemplified this. It was never explicitly stated (but certainly implied) in my family, but I knew that I wasn't supposed to turn out like my aunt. I was supposed to learn from her mistakes and do better. It didn't help that the first major relationship I was in during high school was with a young man who also had bipolar, and it was pretty unhealthy (to note, it wasn't unhealthy by virtue of the fact that we were both neuro-atypical; there were other things going on). During that relationship, I learned some very incorrect things from him that society re-enforced: I shouldn't have kids because I would be passing on faulty genes; I should expect any romantic relationships with neuro-atypical people to go badly because apparently disabled folks need a neurotypical person to "rescue" or balance us out; anytime a relationship ended, it was specifically because the other person couldn't handle the fact that I had bipolar disorder. Every time a relationship ended, it was my fault, because my disability somehow made me unworthy of a healthy romantic partnership.

I didn't hyper-focus on marriage because I'm a woman. I hyper-focused on marriage because society taught me that my worth as a disabled woman with a mental health concern was dependent on whether or not I could sustain a healthy marriage.

Um, guys, this is bullshit.

When I first started dating my fiancée, the very first thing I said to her when she messaged me on OkCupid about how awesome I seemed was not, "Thanks, you seem awesome, too!" It was, "Just to warn you, I have bipolar disorder and I can't work because of it." So she Googled "relationships with people who have bipolar disorder." The internet was filled with forums dedicated to the tl;dr sentiment of "THIS IS A VERY BAD IDEA DON'T DO IT." She sensed something fishy with all this, so she talked to a therapist she knew. The therapist basically said, "Check in with her during her manias to make sure the typical bipolar symptom of hypersexuality isn't leading her to infidelity, and make sure she takes her medication consistently and as prescribed." And... that was it. That was all she had to go on when electing to enter into a serious relationship with a person with a non-visible disability.

Honestly? If, for some reason, I was presented with the same information - legions of anonymous online persons telling me dating this particular person was a bad idea because of their disability; a medical professional telling me that this person was likely to cheat on me and that bad things could happen if this person didn't willingly comply with their treatment - I'm not sure I would go into the relationship based on that alone. Would you? Would anyone?

I'm not watching a TV show about bridal gowns or thinking about happy, healthy marriages because I'm a woman. Those two things are not exclusive to one another. Is my behavior a manifestation of a societal expectation? Does a marginalized person's enjoyment of their ability to "pass" as a privileged person mean they secretly hate themselves, or that the status quo really is all that jazz? Do you prefer your PB&J sandwiches to be more heavy on the jelly, or have considerably more peanut butter? We could debate these things all day (in fact, if you'd like to debate them in the comments, go for it. Especially the sandwich part. I haven't had dinner yet). But, like I said, this is funny stuff - "tricky" funny, not "ha-ha" funny. I don't find any of this particularly amusing.

I'mma turn up the "trashy" TV and put a ring on it. Expectations be damned.

So, world-at-large, you don't get to tell me that my disability makes me less worthwhile than a neurotypical person. You don't get to tell me that the only kind of good relationship is one that results in a happy, life-long, government-recognized-legally-binding marriage. You don't get to tell me that, because of my disability, I don't get to have one of those "good relationships." You don't get to tell me that I'm a "stereotypical, crazy female" for hyper-focusing on the "good relationship" you say I can't have or the inferiority complex I got from you telling me a bunch of other bullshit that, frankly, isn't true. You don't get to critique my television choices based on a bunch of that frankly-not-true crap, and you don't get to do any of this to anyone else.

I'm the kind of person who goes ahead and does exactly what you say I can't do because I want to and then revels in the fact that I've proven you wrong. So, world-at-large: I'mma turn up the "trashy" TV and put a ring on it. Expectations be damned.

http://mydnyht.wordpress.com