The Offbeat Bride: Ariana, rabbi-in-training (and Offbeat Bride Tribe member)

Their offbeat partner: Ever, lawyer-in-training

Date and location of wedding: Awbury Arboretum, Philadelphia, PA - June 21, 2015

Our offbeat wedding at a glance:

My mom thrifted all the china plates, made my wedding outfit (a family tradition) out of yards and yards of linen, and thrifted and refurnished the furniture that decorated the lawns.

Neither of us wore veils, so we chose to have our giant brothers stand back-to-back creating a shield between us for a b'dekin/first look. All our bridal party happened to be there. We exchanged gifts: I gave Ever a talit (prayer shawl), and we tied the last corner together.

Legal ketubot must have two Jewish witnesses. We had three Jewish witnesses plus our beloved professor who watched us fall in love in her class. The ketubah was in Yiddish and English, written by us.

We had tish, traditional singing before the wedding - raucous and joyful, led by my classmates. Tambourines. Fireball whiskey. Surprise crash by Daniel Kahn. Re-writing hetero Zionist wedding songs to be homo and diasporic.

Our political work is a crucial part of our relationship, and we wanted it to be reflected in the ritual and party and where our money went. The music, menu, ritual, and venue were carefully picked in line with our values. We considered farm tables, but decided they were too costly. The wedding the day before had them and the vendor didn't want to move them so our coordinators bargained to keep them for free!

Ever's mother and one of her friends created an altar for the Solstice. My mom and dad made gorgeous menu signs and lawn games.

Tell us about the ceremony:

We spent a year planning our ceremony. I am a rabbinical student, and Ever grew up creating ritual, and our rabbi, Rabbi Linda, was patient and creative and joyful. Highlights:

• We had two ketubot: one between us, and a "community ketubah" that made our promises as a couple to our current and future communities. Organizer friends/chosen family presented it at the ceremony alongside the other ketubah.
• Alma Sheppard-Matsuo is an amazing artist and member of our favorite brass band, Rude Mechanical Orchestra. She designed both based on our dreams, as well as made a "parent ketubah" for my parents based on her childhood kitchen.
• I spent eight months knitting the chuppah ("LifeCycle" by Laura Nelkin on Ravelry) and lost it once, but managed to finish it!
• The first kiddush cup was made by my friend as of first grade.
• We walked in to "Modern Girl" by Sleater-Kinney, circled each other to "Crawled Out of the Sea" by Laura Marling (and "I Will Never Marry" by Joan Baez) and danced away after the ritual to "I Feel Like Funkin' It Up" by Rebirth Brass Band.
• We reimagined the Sheva Brachot (7 Wedding Blessings) and asked friends and family to write blessings on the theme of each of the seven.
• The ceremony was in a grove, with chairs in a circle around the chuppah.
• At the end of the ceremony, Rabbi Linda asked the assembled crowd to rise and repeat after her, communally pronouncing us "b'shert," Yiddish for "meant to be," which is what we decided to be announced at the end of the ceremony.

Tell us about your reception:

It started with raucous horah dancing to mine and Ever's favorite klezmer musician, Daniel Kahn, a radical Yiddishist who lives in Berlin (wedding magic can happen!) as well as napkin jumprope (apparently a Jewish wedding tradition!) and the crowd favorite, lifting in chairs (which were our guest books.)

We had an amazing dinner from mega babe Miss Rachel, with a menu full of a lot of our favorite ingredients that Rachel designed out of the blue. She decided to create her dream menu, and despite our budget, cooked it anyway as a wedding gift.

More highlights:

Shtick. It's a mitzvah to make the bride laugh, so our guests had a double shot! Friends sang on the ukulele, my uncle picked up the guitar for the first time in 20 years to play a duet with Ever's best friend from law school, juggling happened, and a raunchy impersonation of us. With a giant red wig.

• Beers! So good! Also fireball whiskey made a repeat appearance.
• Watching family and friends dance the horah together and learn about Yiddish music and celebrations for the first time.
• The photo booth was so fun!
• Wedding pie! No cake. Later we'd finally get to eat some as leftovers in hotel bathrobes a day later.
• Singing "Daloyei Politzei (Fuck the Police)" and "Dumai (Think)" with Daniel Kahn and our entire Jewish Voice for Peace family.
• Having a non-official "Sunday Kind of Love" dance
• Dancing to "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" and "Sweet Caroline" in homage to the Orioles and Red Sox, as grouped family dances.

What was your most important lesson learned?

Sometimes it was really painful to think about how we fit into the script of dress + suit = valid marriage.

A couple of things to note about our planning:
Almost all our vendors were lady-owned businesses. Go ladies! All our ritual objects were made by people we know. Ever changed her name partway through the planning. Invites said one name, ceremony had another. This made coming out and navigating relationships happen all at once and with not a lot of control.

What Is Gender? Being a queer couple that's made up of a femme and a suit-wearing dreamboat, sometimes it was really painful to think about how we fit into the script of dress + suit = valid marriage. But also we both felt so natural in our clothes, and honest to who we are. Sometimes it can be all the things at once.

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